You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
