So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
