im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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