next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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