First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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