currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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