I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
