He felt like a one man threesome
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
