Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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