so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
