Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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