apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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