My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
