I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
