Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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