And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
