i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
