you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
