someone get that fucking seahorse.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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