were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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