Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
