know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
