So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
