i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
