he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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