do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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