Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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