Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
