New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
