I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
