so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
