Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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