Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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