I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
