Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
