I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
