your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
