your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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