i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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