One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
