i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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