it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
