Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
try to milk me bitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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