obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
