Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
