Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
