"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
