youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
