The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
