Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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